


All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye

by kingstonkingdom



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-21
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2018-01-02 05:19:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1052969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingstonkingdom/pseuds/kingstonkingdom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knows he will not be around much longer. The end is near. He can feel it. He is in the TARDIS with the most beautiful woman in the universe. If he doesn’t say it soon, he may never get the chance. It is now or never.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One.

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came to me yesterday. We will see where this goes in my mind. Update will be in the near future. =] The title is borrowed from a John Mayer song.

He knows he will not be around much longer. The end is near. He can feel it. He is in the TARDIS with the most beautiful woman in the universe. If he doesn’t say it soon, he may never get the chance. It is now or never. 

He is nervous. His palms are sweaty. He is fumbling with something on the control panel, not really paying attention to what he is doing, and something breaks. He looks down. Nothing important. He isn’t even entirely sure what that knob does anyways. 

She is going on about something archeology-related that she seems rather excited about and doesn’t notice the sound of cracking plastic. He swallows hard and slips the broken piece into his pocket the moment she turns to face him. 

“What’s the matter with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something.” She says. 

“Oh, ah….nothing. All is well over here, dear.” He stammers over his words as he attempts to lean on the console and conceal the destruction he has caused, flashing a fake smile, but she sees right through that façade. 

 

She walks over to him, clearly not fooled by his cover. It was a pretty foolish cover. He knows this. Too late. She comes close and goes in for a hug and finds the knob in his pocket. 

“Did you break something or are you just happy to see me?” she says through a smirk as her hand reaches into his pocket. 

“Who am I kidding? I can’t fool the clever River Song. You caught me red-handed.” He tries to sound convincing, but that would just contradict his last statement. He cannot fool her. She can tell something is off about him. 

She takes a step back with a look of concern on her face.  
“What’s the matter sweetie? You have been acting weird since I got here.”

There is no escaping this anymore. He just has to say it.  
He looks down at his feet, sticking one hand in his pocket and is fidgeting with the broken knob in his pocket. “Okay. Well…there is something I want…no I need to tell you. This is hard for me. I have never really been able to get these words about before without something going wrong. But now is as good as time as ever. I won’t be around forever.”

He looks up and can see the look of distress on her face. This is not going well at all. She doesn’t speak. He knows her silence is her way of pushing him to keep talking. 

He takes a deep breath and continues. 

“I am going away soon. I don’t know when I will see you again. Too often we are too far away from each other and I when we are apart, all I find myself doing is counting down the minutes to when I will see you again. I feel like all we ever do is say goodbye. This may be the last opportunity I get to tell you what I have wanted to tell you for quite sometime, but never found the right moment.”

He walks over to her. Takes her hands in his. Kisses her on the forehead. She looks up at him with wide green eyes full of eagerness and anticipation. She knows what he is going to say. 

“This is something I have felt for far too long.”  
He pauses, takes a deep breathe, and says, “I love you, Alex.”

“CUT! CUT! That was going great. First take even. The emotion was there. Everything was excellent, but Matt, you called her Alex. Not River. Come on, man. Slip of the tongue, eh? Reset and lets try that last part again. It's your final episode Matt. Let's make it a good one.”

Matt and Alex are frozen in time. They do not break eye contact. Matt is still holding on to her hands, and says quietly so only she can hear.  
“I know what I said, and I meant it.”


	2. Two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer. Matt watches Alex on The One Show discuss his departure. 
> 
> “He and I had had a chat.”
> 
> Those words pierce Matt’s ears as though they were made of tiny knives. A chat. Really? That’s what she considers a chat? A chat is something you have with a friend over tea at lunchtime. A chat is not something where you place yourself in a vulnerable state, bearing your feelings for someone and not having the slightest idea on how they will react.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I am not watching Doctor Who until Monday, I needed a distraction. What better to distract me writing this. =]

Alex is stunned. Why did he have to do this now? How does he expect her to keep filming as if nothing has happened? But, she is a professional after all and she understands that the show must go on. Take 2. She is now hanging on every line he says. These lines. The Doctor’s lines. How did she not see this before? These lines are strangely similar to a conversation her and Matt had not too long ago. 

___________

 

Summer. Matt watches Alex on The One Show discuss his departure. 

“He and I had had a chat.”

Those words pierce Matt’s ears as though they were made of tiny knives. A chat. Really? That’s what she considers a chat? A chat is something you have with a friend over tea at lunchtime. A chat is not something where you place yourself in a vulnerable state, bearing your feelings for someone and not having the slightest idea on how they will react. 

___________

The Chat.

It was the first day of filming for The Name of the Doctor. Alex gets a knock on her trailer. Matt is standing there. 

Alex greets him with a smile and says,  
“Oh, hello. If you are here to ask me about River’s future in the story, I cannot tell you. Spoilers.” She puts a finger to her lips and flashes him a wink.

He steps inside, hands in his pockets.  
“Oh, no. Not that. Well maybe a little. Possibly. ” 

She sits down on the couch, one leg bent with her foot tucked underneath her, looks up at him and pats the spot next to her inviting him to sit down.  
“Alright then, spit it out. What do you really want to ask me?”  
She can sense he is uncomfortable. He is an excellent actor, but putting on an act in real life is almost impossible for him. 

He takes the seat she offered and looks up and asks,  
“Is River coming back?”

She places a hand on his shoulder and answers,  
“Daring, I just said I can’t te-“

Matt pleads,  
“Please. If you know, just tell me.”

She removes her hand from his shoulder and placing it back in her lap,  
“Why is my role’s future so important to you?”

What he wants to say is “Because I am bloody in love with you Alex and I don’t know how else to tell you other than just blurting it out and I don’t like the feeling of not knowing if I will ever see you again!” 

But he doesn’t say that. 

He settles on an explanation that isn’t far from the real truth,  
“I just have so much fun with you on set. I mean, Jenna is great, but when I find out you are coming. I find myself counting down the scenes until I get to work with you, and I would like to know if this is going to be the last opportunity I will have to work with you.”

She answers the way he expects her to.  
“Well, her timeline is all misconstrued, so it is quite possible there are adventures with them that we have not seen yet. But I cannot tell you for certain.”

If she truly understood how important it is for him to know if he will see her again, then maybe he could get a straightforward answer. He says the only thing that comes into his head. 

“I think it is time for me to leave the show.”

She doesn’t say anything, and he now looking at his shoes avoiding her gaze, but her silence tells him exactly what her face looks like. Shock. Mouth slightly ajar. Eyes wide. 

“I just think that it is time for me to pursue other things.”  
He says as her stops staring at his shoes and looks up at her. 

“Why are you telling me this, of all people?”  
She has his hand on his shoulder.

He knows exactly why he is telling her this. But he can’t tell her that. Not yet.  
“Well, you were on ER for a long time, so you know what it is like to decide to leave. I figured you would understand.” 

“Yes, but it wasn’t solely my choice. Most of my story was completed. There wasn’t a lot left for my character. It was the right time. You, on the other hand, have a lot of more of your story to live out. It doesn’t have to be over. Just because my character might not becoming back doesn’t mean you have to leave.” She says this as the hand resting on his shoulder starts to rub his back. He doesn’t know if this is a sign of console among friends, or something more. He hopes the latter. 

“Well what if I want it to be over? Besides, I got an offer for a role in a movie in L.A. and I feel like this could be good for me. You know, get out before The Doctor is the only thing people see when they look at me.”  
The movie role is just a bonus. He would be going to L.A. no matter what, because that is where she will be. 

 

“A movie? Matt that’s great news!”  
Her hand is now patting him on the back. A congratulatory gesture. This is not going the way he planned. But then she plants a kiss on the cheek. A friendly gesture? He hopes not. Then she adds,  
“But you can always work the scheduling around so you don’t have to leave. It’s complicated, but not impossible. I have done it before.”

She is not making it easy for him. He can’t beat around the bush anymore. He needs to say what he really came here to say. 

“Yes, I know. But the truth is….about me moving to L.A is that I want to be closer to you. Too often we are too far away from each other and I hate the feeling I get when we say goodbye and I have no idea if and when I will see you again. If you aren’t coming back to work on the show, then I don’t want to be here anymore.” He actually says the words while looking at her this time, instead of speaking to his shoes. 

“Oh.” Is all she can manage. 

He grabs her hands.  
“Alex, the second you step on set, I feel something special. Something different. Something I have never felt before. Something I have felt since the moment you literally swung into my life on our first day filming together. Something that I am feeling as I am sitting here saying this to you. I can’t explain it. I feel happy and warm and excited all at once. I feel a glow from deep inside me that I am surprised isn’t illuminating through my skin right now. All because of being around you.”  
His words are pouring out of his mouth, flowing uncontrollably like the rushing waters of a river, ironically. 

The expression on her face tells that she did not expect any of this, but he does not look away from her.  
“Matt…I….Well I cannot say that I haven’t noticed…something between us-“

He cannot control himself any longer. He has waited too long to tell her about his feelings, and now that they are out of his head and laid out between them, he does the only thing that makes sense to him at that moment, He grabs her face and kisses her. 

To his pleasant surprise, she kisses him back. Running her hands through his hair. 

A minute later there is a knock on the door. A member of the crew. 

“Excuse me, Ms. Kingston, we need you in make-up in 5 minutes.”

They break apart, startled by the noise. 

“Be right out.” They hear footsteps descending down the short staircase leading from the door. 

She then flashes a grin in Matt’s direction and pulls his face back to hers.


	3. Three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for putting up with all the flipping back and forth. But honestly, a nonlinear timeline just seems fitting for them. Wouldn't you agree?

It is the last day of filming for The Name of the Doctor. They have engaged in their usual flirtatious banter on and off camera, and to Matt, it seems to be more purposeful than playful. He hopes the feeling is mutual. He has contacted an old friend of his in L.A. who he will be staying with after he finishes filming to start looking for a place to move in to. Matt and Alex have not resumed their conversation they had the first day she arrived on set. Matt has not had the confidence to bring it up again, and Alex has not mentioned it either, whether she is intentionally avoiding the subject, Matt does not know. She is leaving for L.A. tomorrow morning. 

They are filming the kiss between the Doctor and River today. If this is the last time he is going to feel her lips against his, he is going to make it a good one. And he does. 

They are now in Alex’s trailer. All of her scenes are completed. Matt sits on the couch as she is scattering around gathering all her belongings that are scattered throughout the space. 

Matt clears his throat.  
“So, about the whole L.A. thing…”

Alex cuts in, still scurrying about,  
“Yes. I have been thinking about that. Sorry for not bringing it up again. I haven’t been avoiding the subject, just never seemed like the right time.”

Matt perks up a bit.  
“So you have given it thought.”

She finally settles herself and takes a seat beside him, and turns to look at him,  
“Yes, Matt. Listen. I cannot stop you from moving to L.A. and leaving the show. I think it is great that you want to pursue other opportunities, but I don’t want you coming with unreal expectations for us.”

He straightens up a bit, and responds,  
“Alex, I don’t have any-“

She cuts him off, which was for the best, because he was not going to give her a truthful response anyways.

She places her hand on his arm,  
“Let me finish. I have enjoyed this week with you so much. I am leaving tomorrow and this goodbye is going to be a hard one. I have a daughter, Matt. She is mature for her age but she still doesn’t understand completely what is going on with her father and I. I am still legally spoken for. In regards to emotionally speaking, that is a different story. It’s not that I don’t want to see where this goes, but I have more than just me to think about here.”

Matt nods. He understands, and he feels a bit embarrassed. How could he be so selfish? She has a family to be concerned about. How can he expect his feelings to trump that?  
“I understand.” 

He stands up to leave her trailer. She touches his arm and he turns around.  
“Hey. I overheard you telling Jenna you are staying with a friend in L.A. after you finish here. Call me up when you get in if you want.”

She stands up and plants a kiss on his cheek. 

Matt grins.  
“Yeah. For sure. I will.”

He walks towards the door. Another goodbye exchanged between them. But this one feels different. The weight of uncertainty about seeing her again has been lifted.

____________

Matt has made it to L.A. He and Alex are taking it slow. There have been a few outings where Salome has accompanied them. He feels that things are moving in the right direction. There have been a few kisses exchanged between them, and nothing more. He is okay with that. He is just thrilled that she is willing to spend her time with him, and that they are in the same city, rather that halfway across the globe. The more time he spends with her, the brighter the glow inside him shines. It is baffling him that he hasn’t completely burst into flames yet. 

_____________

It is now the day before he leaves to return to the set to film his final episode.  
A phone call. It’s Alex.  
“Hello?”

“Hey. Salome just left for her dad’s and I would rather not eat alone tonight. I know you are leaving tomorrow, so I thought I would cook you a goodbye dinner. Send you off right. How about it?”

He tries to hide the sound of his smile in his voice.  
“I would never deny myself a Kingston delicacy. Be there soon.”

______________

He approaches the door and is hit with a savory aroma that he cannot name, but his mouth is watering immediately. 

He knocks. Alex answers the door. Hair pulled back fully revealing the beauty of her face and holding a glass of red wine in her hand. 

The meal was delicious. He doesn’t get home cooked meals very often anymore. It was quite satisfying to eat something that didn’t come out of freezer. They sit at her kitchen table and sing the sun to sleep with their conversations, sharing stories about each others childhood and families and secrets. He cannot believe how amazing this woman is. He can feel himself falling more in love with her with every word she speaks. 

He glances at the clock. Alex catches him looking and does the same. His flight leaves in a few hours. Another goodbye is coming soon. He can feel it. 

“Oh my, look at the time. You probably need to head home and get ready to leave.”  
Alex says, and she gets up and starts clearing the table. 

“I would rather stay here with you.” He walks his plate over to the sink where she is standing, puts is plate down, and hugs her from behind. 

He expects her to pull away, but she doesn’t. Instead, she leans her head back so the curls of her bun tickle his nose. She is dreading this goodbye as much as he is. 

“I know, dear. But I will be on set in a week. Time will fly by.”

He turns her around and kisses her softly. She kisses him back. 

They break apart and he leans his forehead against hers, eyes closed.  
“Alex, there is something I have got to say before we say goodbye again. Something I should of told you the day we talked in your trailer. I know you may already know this, but I have to say it out loud. It is dying to get out of my head.”

He swallows hard, opens his eyes, and takes her face in his hands.  
“Alex. I lo-’”

She cuts him off, and backs away so his hands are now cupping thin air.  
“Don’t. Just don’t say it.”

He is confused.  
“But Alex, why…I thought…things are good…and..”

She walks back to her seat at the table taking her last sip of wine from her glass, increasing the distance between them.  
“Why? Why won’t I let you say it? Because every man who has ever said that to me has….” She is getting choked up. He takes a few steps torwards her, arms out, but she puts her hands up to stop him. 

“No. Every man who has said that to me has hurt me. I can’t add you to the list.”

“Alex, I would nev-“

“You don’t know that. I am sure they thought the same way. Look how that turned out.”  
She is speaking to him through a clenched jaw, voice shaky, a tear streaming down her face. 

He can’t believe this is happening so fast. She is breaking down in front of him and it is all his fault. He forgets sometimes that, underneath her seemingly tough exterior, she a rather vulnerable. It is one of the many things that’s he loves about her. She bears all emotion. Her actions are genuine because she doesn’t over think them. She does what comes naturally to her. 

He cautiously takes a step foreword. This time she doesn’t stop him from coming closer. He puts his arms out and wraps them tightly around her. She is burying her face in his chest. Her tears are leaving marks on his shirt. He doesn’t mind. He rubs her back and kisses the top of her head. He slowly hears her crying stop. His guilt provokes him to speak. 

“Alex. I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset. I just can’t bear to say goodbye to you again without telling you how I feel.”

She lifts her head up slightly, but does not break free from his grip. 

“No. It’s okay. It isn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. I am just not ready for that yet, okay?” 

She looks up and him, eyes still red and face wet. He reaches behind him and grabs a napkin and wipes her face dry, then plants a kiss on her forehead. 

“Yes. I understand. No rush. We’ve got all the time in the universe, you and I.” 

He flashes her a smile and she half-smiles back. They stay in this moment for a few seconds more and then he helps her clean the dishes. By that time they finish, though he hates to admit it, he really does need to leave if he wants to make his flight. 

She walks him to the door and they exchange a goodbye kiss. It’s only a week. He can handle that. The door closes behind him.

He misses her already.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I am attempting to avoid all social media until tomorrow to avoid Doctor Who spoilers, I decided to just finish it up as a distraction. Hope you like it. Thanks for all the kudos. I really do appreciate it. And again, sorry if all the bouncing back and forth made it hard to follow. It just seemed to work better this way. I hope you agree. =]

He walks over to her. Takes her hands in his. Kisses her on the forehead. She looks up at him with wide green eyes full of eagerness and anticipation. She knows what he is going to say. 

“This is something I have felt for far too long.”  
He pauses, takes a deep breathe, and says, “I love you, Alex.”

“CUT! CUT! That was going great. First take even. The emotion was there. Everything was excellent, but Matt, you called her Alex. Not River. Come on, man. Slip of the tongue, eh? Reset and lets try that last part again.”

Matt and Alex are frozen in time. They do not break eye contact. Matt is still holding on to her hands, and says quietly so only she can hear.  
“I know what I said, and I meant it.”

__________

They finish the scene and are dismissed for lunch. It was Alex’s last scene. She is leaving soon. Alex makes her way to her trailer and Matt follows closely behind. He doesn’t say a word until they are both inside and the door is closed behind them. Her back is to him. He is speaking a mile a minute. 

“Alex. I am sorry I said it. I know you said you didn’t want me to. That you weren’t ready but I just couldn’t help myself.”

“Matt-“. Alex interjects. He doesn’t hear her. He is too busy attempting to explain himself. 

“It is just that everything the Doctor is saying to River is just how I feel about you. The distance between us. The frequent goodbyes. It just came out. You have to underst’-“

Alex turns to face him and places a finger on his lips to stop him from speaking. 

“Matt. Calm down. It is fine, really.”

He looks at her with a confused expression.  
“Really?”

“Yes, Matt, listen. Since you left, I have been thinking about what you said…well, what you didn’t say. I was acting selfish, and I apologize. Denying you the opportunity to express your feelings won’t make them go away. They will still be there. I just don’t know if I am ready to say it back yet, and I didn’t want you to think I was leading you on our something. I just need more time.”

He grabs her by the waist and pulls her close.  
“I would never think you were leading me on. I understand that you have been hurt before, and that you need time. I will wait as long as you need me to. You are worth it. Your happiness is the most important thing to me right now.”

She looks up at him and smiles, and this time, she kisses him first. 

They break apart with much apprehension. Alex is taking the red eye back to L.A. tonight. Another goodbye. He stays with her through his lunch break while she prepares to leave. 

She stands up to hug him, and Matt notices that she is holding on to him tighter than ever before. She can’t endure this goodbye any better than he can. 

Without her needing to say a word, he offers her comfort in the form of a kiss on the top of the head and reassurance that her house will be his first destination after his plane lands a week from today. They seal the deal with a kiss. A rather long one at that. 

__________

Matt pulls into Alex’s driveway and walks up to the door. He knocks once. She opens the door almost instantly with force that it seems to have almost been stripped from its hinges. His hand still in position to knock a second time. 

He starts to greet her but only one syllable manages to escape before Alex pulls his face towards hers. She pulls him inside and shuts the door. She is pressing him against the doorframe, kisses him on the cheek and whispers, “Matt, I love you.” 

He looks at her in pleasant disbelief. Jaw partly open, but mouth in the shape of a smile. “Alex, I love you too.” 

He wraps his hands about the back of her neck, navigating through her mountain of curls and kisses her hard. She begins to lead them upstairs to her bedroom. There they make love for hours, frequently expressing their affections for each other. 

He knows that goodbyes are inevitable for them. They cannot be avoided. It is just the nature of their chosen professions, but If this is how all of their hello’s are going to be from now on, then Matt can endure the goodbyes.


End file.
